ND & Me: Running in Emulation

TL;DR: After years of struggling to understand why I felt different, I was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, and Dyslexia in my 40s. Finding an online neurodivergent support group was transformative—it showed me I wasn’t alone and helped me stop “running in emulation mode” trying to fit neurotypical systems. The positive response to my recent Codegarden presentation on neurodivergent friendly workplaces showed there’s real hunger for these conversations in our community. I’m exploring starting a virtual ND peer support group for the Umbraco community—a safe space for anyone who’s neurodivergent (diagnosed or self-identifying) or neurotypical allies who want to learn and support. Interested? Fill out this form and I’ll be in touch about next steps.

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My story starts back at Codegarden 2016, when a conversation with Erica Quessenberry sparked something in me that I wouldn’t fully understand for years to come.

We were talking about introversion—something I’ve always resonated with—and she recommended a book called The Introvert Advantage. That book was a game-changer. It didn’t just describe how introverts function—it gave practical, actionable strategies to help embrace and work with those traits. For a long time, I thought I’d found the missing piece of the puzzle. A guide that would finally make life easier.

And for a while, introversion explained a lot: why I preferred one-on-one conversations, why socializing could be so draining, why I needed time alone to recover. But over time, I realised it didn’t explain everything.

There were deeper things it couldn’t touch—like my difficulty identifying or describing how I felt (something I’d later recognise as alexithymia), or why unexpected changes in my day could lead me to completely shut down and want to disconnect from the world.

As I kept reading, researching, and reflecting, I came across a paper by Jennifer Odessa Grimes that explored whether introversion might be connected to autism. I’m not saying I agree with all of its conclusions—and I’m definitely not qualified to say if they’re accurate—but it was a turning point. It nudged me to look beyond introversion and start considering neurodivergence (ND).

Diagnosis & Self-Doubt

That started a long, messy, sometimes overwhelming period of self-discovery. I read books and blogs, watched videos, and listened to ND podcasts. Some days, I’d find something that described me perfectly. Other days, nothing seemed to resonate, and I’d spiral into self-doubt:

Was I making this up? Could I really be ND if some of these traits didn’t apply to me?

Ironically, it was black-and-white thinking—a very common autistic trait—that kept telling me I had to tick every single box to “qualify.”

But something kept telling me I was on the right path.

Deep down, I was sure this was it—but I needed someone else to help me believe it. So in late 2023 and early 2024, I decided to seek a formal diagnosis—not because I needed a label, but because I needed clarity. I needed help to silence the voice of self-doubt that wouldn’t let me believe my own experience.

And I was diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, and Dyslexia.

(Cue Pokémon music: “Gotta catch ‘em all”)

That confirmation was validating—but also deeply disorienting. I had to re-evaluate so much: how I work, communicate, socialise, and show up in the world. It’s been a process of unlearning and re-learning, and imposter syndrome is still a frequent companion along the way.

Reframing Familiar Spaces

Umbraco events like Codegarden are a perfect example. I’ve always loved the community and the experience—but three days of socialising, networking, and evening parties would leave me absolutely exhausted, often spending days in shutdown mode—mentally flatlined, unable to engage—just to recover.

Before diagnosis, I just thought I wasn’t cut out for that kind of thing. Now I understand I’m not broken—I just need different things to recover and stay regulated. These days, I’m learning to advocate for myself: taking breaks, leaving early, and respecting my own limits.

Shortly after my diagnosis, whilst hosting CODECABIN 2024, it felt like a safe space to explore ND within the Umbraco community—partly to test the waters, and partly because I was hoping to find others like me.

I proposed an open circle discussion on neurodivergence, and the response was amazing.

It ended up being the most voted-for topic that year, and the conversation went well beyond the usual 60-minute slot. People opened up about their experiences. Others asked thoughtful questions. And even weeks and months later, I had people reaching out to me to share their own stories.

That moment was pivotal. It showed me I wasn’t alone—and that there is space in our community for this kind of conversation.

Finding Community

While CODECABIN was a huge boost, I was still struggling in day-to-day life. Adapting to this “new” reality took a toll. The fatigue of endlessly reading, listening, and learning—trying to make sense of myself—was overwhelming.

The next big shift came when I found an online ND support group.

In that space, I met people with all kinds of ND profiles, and I started to truly understand just how much variation there is. There’s no “right” way to be neurodivergent. That support group showed me that my mix of traits is valid—no matter what it looks like.

I also found something I didn’t know I was missing: real, supportive friendship. The kind where you can ask the hard questions and get non-judgemental answers. The kind where you can just exist—and be understood.

Through those conversations, I learned to self-reflect more deeply. I learned how to work through challenges without shame. One of the most important things I uncovered was how essential structure is to my wellbeing.

I used to think “structure” meant a tightly scheduled, military-style daily routine—something I’ve never managed to stick to. But for me, it’s actually about predictability. Just knowing what’s happening today. When plans suddenly change, it can feel like the ground shifts beneath me. Too many changes in a single day can knock everything off balance.

Just knowing that has changed how I manage my time, my expectations, and my energy.

Running Natively

As I started to understand myself more deeply—and found a community where I didn’t have to mask—I began to reflect on just how much energy I’d spent trying to fit in.

I’d been running in emulation for most of my life—adapting to systems not designed for how my brain works. Masking was a huge part of that—not just pretending to be social, but constantly monitoring my behaviour, suppressing natural reactions, and reshaping myself to match expectations.

It kind of worked, but only on the surface—and it was exhausting. Letting go of that isn’t an instant fix. It’s ongoing. But even small shifts—like taking breaks without guilt, giving myself permission to stim, or setting clearer boundaries—have made a real difference.

I’m still learning, but I’m finally doing it in a way that supports how my brain actually works.

Owning my Neurodiversity

All of these experiences—the diagnosis, finding community, learning to work with my brain rather than against it—gave me the courage to step into advocacy. I put myself forward to give a small presentation on creating neurodivergent friendly workplaces to the MVP Summit audience in the days before Codegarden 2025.

The response from that intimate group was so encouraging that when Codegarden faced some unexpected speaker dropouts, I found myself with an opportunity: sharing this same message with the main Codegarden audience.

Standing up there in front of the wider community, sharing strategies and insights that could genuinely help them, felt like a full-circle moment from that first conversation with Erica nearly a decade earlier. Here I was, no longer just trying to understand myself, but helping others create environments where neurodivergent people could thrive.

The feedback was incredible. People approached me afterward to share their own experiences, ask questions, and express genuine gratitude for bringing these conversations into the open. Managers and team leads wanted to know how they could better support their neurodivergent colleagues. Other ND folks thanked me for helping them feel less alone in professional spaces.

That response reinforced something I’d begun to understand at CODECABIN: there’s not just space for these conversations in our community—there’s genuine hunger for them. People want to learn, to support each other, and to create environments where everyone can thrive.

An Invitation

Something I’ve come to realise is that the most profound turning points in my journey have always come through connection—with people, with community, with conversations that open a door.

And so now, I want to try and bring that sense of connection into the Umbraco world.

The conversations at CODECABIN and the response to my Codegarden presentation have shown me there’s real appetite for ongoing support and community around neurodivergence. People don’t just want a single session—they want connection, continuity, and a safe space to keep exploring these topics together.

I’m therefore playing with the idea of starting a virtual ND peer support group within the community. A space for anyone who identifies as neurodivergent—whether you’re diagnosed, self-identifying, or just trying to figure it out. And also for neurotypicals who want to listen, learn, and be part of a supportive, inclusive space.

A place to talk, connect, ask questions, share experiences, and just be. No pressure to mask. No need to prove yourself. Just a community of people helping each other.

I do want to acknowledge that I realise I come into this space with a lot of privilege—being white, male and established in tech, I have a certain freedom to tell my story where others might not. My aim here is not to centre myself, but instead use any privilege I do have to create a space where other ND voices can be heard and supported too. If I can help build that, I’m in.

If any of this resonates with you, and you would like to be involved in such a group, please fill out this quick form so I can get in touch with you about next steps. If you have any questions, or just want to connect privately, you can also drop a comment below or reach out through any of the social media platforms linked in the footer.

Your Config is Valid

If any part of this post feels familiar to you—and you too feel like you’ve spent your life running in emulation, constantly adapting, burning extra energy, translating yourself for systems that weren’t designed with you in mind—I want you to know: there’s nothing wrong with your configuration.

Written with the assistance of AI—I am dyslexic after all!